Dear Series of Spam E-Mails Recently Littering My Inbox,
No, I do not want to be a pharmacy technician. If I had wanted to be a pharmacy technician, I’d probably be doing pharmacy technician type stuff. Or I would at least be in some sort of pharmacy technician school where pharmacy technicians learn pharmacy technician protocols and manners and such.
As it currently stands; I am not now, nor have I ever been, interested in being a pharmacy technician.
Please stop filling my inbox with notices informing me that “DEMAND IS HIGH!” and I should “APPLY NOW!”. I really don’t want to.
Dear John McCain,
Bombshells and Rice Paddies,
Dear LOLCat Enthusiasts,
I love LOLCats. I truly do. I even love LOLJesus. And I can appreciate loving something so deeply and connecting to something on such a level you never before knew existed, that you would want to assimilate said object of love into your daily life.
But for fuck’s sake, please don’t say “I can haz ?” and so forth to me in person. All it does is make you look an idiot.
Typing it out in a blog or on a messageboard? Perfectly fine. It’s an internet thing, keep it on the internet.
Walking up to me and saying “OHAI HOW R U TOODAY? I IZ GUD!” just makes me want to slap you.
Besides, if any animal would speak in that way in real life, it would be dogs. Not cats. Cats would speak with perfect grammar and would use it to judge you for the way you talk/act/dress/exist.
Cheezburgerz and lulz,
Pulling the plug on the Preacher series because it was “too dark and violent”? You’re joking with me, yes? You couldn’t be serious.
You disgust me and make me glad I no longer subscribe to your services.
All my disdain (but none of my respect),
Dear OTHER Spam E-Mail Flooding My Inbox Lately,
No, I do not want a “$284.32 ROle x …fwqmundasimkx”.
In fact, I’m not entirely certain what the fuck that even is.
fmndjuUxKosil and LoskuFhytxzzc …..z,
Dear Warner Bros.,
Let me see if I get this straight. First, you decide to move Harry Potter back, half a god damn YEAR, now you’re telling me you’re going to give me a “Dark” take on Superman?
You won me back with The Dark Knight. You’ve got me excited about Watchmen. You’re doing quite well so far, please don’t piss me off now.
Angry Muggle #18,372,409
Dear George Lucas,
I hope the poor box office performance of The Clone Wars will have taught you something. It’s not all about the G’s, G.
I mean, Christ, Harry Knowles didn’t like it. Knowles likes EVERYTHING. He even gave Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones good reviews. And this wasn’t a review where he said he was disappointed, George. No. His exact words were “I HATED this movie”.
Of course, you already know that, don’t you? Seeing as how LucasFilm made him pull the review off his site, and all.
Don’t get me wrong, Georgey. I will be renting it once it hits DVD. Because I cannot simply ignore all you’ve done for me.
But it’s getting harder and harder to do that when I consider all you’ve done to me.
Death to Jar-Jar,
Dear Guy In John Deere Trucker Hat Who Stares At Me When I Walk To Work,
I don’t like you in that way. Or any way, really.
I’m flattered, though.
With an ass so fat it’s phat,