Doomed To Forever Shop At Wal-Mart. Also, The Whole Blood Thing.

These are the kinds of conversations Danielle and I have.

We were debating yesterday which supernatural creature we’d prefer to be turned into. Mind you, these are creatures that a human can be turned into, not creatures that are born that way.

Zombie: Zombies are right the fuck out, because there’s no intelligence involved. You’re just a walking corpse, searching for human flesh. You wouldn’t even be cognizant of yourself or the world around you, so that’s one you would definitely avoid at all costs.

No pros, only cons.

Mummy: Same basic principal as a zombie, right? I mean, you’re still a walking corpse, only you’re thousands of years old and instead of seeking out human flesh, you’re seeking revenge against those who have desecrated your tomb. Granted, you have strength and can’t be killed (already dead), but you’re just a machine really.

Pros: Far better preserved than a zombie.

Cons: Essentially an older zombie wrapped in bounty paper towels.

Vampire: Now it gets interesting. Vampires live forever, they never get sick, they have awesome powers. They’re like undead superheroes. It’s awesome. But being a vamp has its downsides, as well. Immortality is a dual-edged sword, I’m sure.

Pros: Let’s go down the list here.

Immortality. You live FOREVER. That means you get to sit back and watch the world grow and change around you. You get to experience things most people would kill (or die) to experience. With that much time would come a whole lot of wisdom. You can amass a huge fortune over time, too. Imagine how much your comic books will be worth a thousand years from now (so long as they’re graded, of course), for example.

Plus, you’d never get sick again. Ever. No more aging, no more colds, or flus, or food poisoning. Fit as a fiddle for eternity.

Powers. You have them. Flight, mind control (or a form of it, anyway), enhanced strength, enhanced speed, heightened senses, shapeshifting (not in all mythologies, but still. Wolf/Bat/Mist/etc.), the list goes on. You’re like a bloodsucking Superman.

Another pro would be that once you get turned into vampire, that’s pretty much it. The most painful bit is over and you just are what you are. A werewolf doesn’t have that luxury and changing into one is a very painful monthly event.


Immortality. Yeah, it’s a pro and a con. Sure, you get to live forever and see the world grow and change around you, but guess what? The people you love grow and change (read: die) too. And unless you want to curse them to be just like you, there’s no stopping that.

Blood. You kinda need to kill people/things to survive. I may have found away around this one, sort of. Let’s say the blood of a horse or a cow will sustain a vampire just as well as the blood of human. Easy, you become a vampire farmer! Siphon off blood from your animal pals and do all your chores at night. There are flaws to this plan, granted, but if it means you don’t have to go around killing people just to live, I’d say it draws about even.

No sunlight. That means a lot of stores and shops you frequent now would be closed by the time you even crawled out of your coffin after you get vamped. “Thank god for Wal-Mart”, Danielle said at this revelation. 24-hour stores are the vampire’s best friend. Though that’s just one setback to the no-sun-or-go-boom rule. At some point, people are going to notice that they never see you during the day. Suspicions will be raised and before you know it, boom! Anthony Hopkins comes knocking at your coffin door with a wooden stake and a bad German accent.

Werewolf: Big. Hairy. Hungry. A perfect representation for rebellion against holding back. We all have an animal inside of us, but we’ve all learned to keep the beast on a leash. We don’t tell people what we really think of them, we don’t get out of our car and punch the guy in front of us for talking on his cell phone, and we don’t ravage every member of the opposite sex we find sexually alluring. Being a werewolf pretty much changes all of that.


Immortality. Just like our bloodsucking friend above, werewolves can’t age or get sick. And it’s every bit as cool for the same reasons. Though some myths would have us believe that they’re a lot easier to kill than vampires. Shove something through the heart or brain and boom, dead.

Powers. Not quite as many as a vampire, but still pretty impressive. Heightened senses, strength and speed, plus a shiny coat of fur and great teeth.

Anonymity: The great thing about being a werewolf is that twenty-eight/twenty-nine days out of the month, you’re just a normal joe. No one looks at a werewolf in human form and says “HOLY SHIT THAT GUY’S A MONSTER”. This is a setback for the vampire.

Food. A werewolf doesn’t need blood to sustain him. Granted, one often finds themselves craving raw meat, but you could live as a vegetarian for ninety-nine percent of the month, if you had the self control.


Immortality. Same bit as the vampire thing. Not aging while those around you do must be not all that fun.

Transformation. They hurt, man. Bones crack, skin stretches, and you scream. A lot.

Oh yeah, there’s also that whole TURNING INTO A RAVENOUS BEAST EVERY FULL MOON THING. Now, you could tie yourself up/lock yourself in a cellar/put yourself in a coma once a month to get around attacking and killing anyone, but honestly now, in what werewolf movie have we seen this scenario actually work?

Being Turned. Being turned into a werewolf is a nasty bit of business. First of all, in order to become a werewolf (outside of gypsy curses), you have to be attacked by a werewolf and live. When a werewolf bites or scratches you, there’s a good chance it’s not going to be a warning. It’s probably going to be step one in it’s two step plan entitled “Eating A Human In Two Easy Steps” (step one is biting or scratching you, step two is the eating part). Denying a werewolf his meal is no easy feat.

At least when you get turned into a vampire, it’s kind of a sexual thing.

So in the end, Danielle decided she’d much rather be a vampire than anything else. I started the debate by preferring the path of the werewolf, but by the end of the whole thing, I just wasn’t sure. She made being a vampire sound pretty god damn cool.

I guess the vampire being harder to kill is the biggest deciding factor. I mean, the thing that sways me toward the werewolf is the whole “not turning into a ravenous bloodthirsty animal when the moon isn’t full” thing.

Yes, we talk about these things. Yes, we’re dorks.


Let’s say you get bit by a werewolf. We’ll call him Werewolf A. So Werewolf A bites you, turning you into Werewolf B. You inevitably bite someone else, thus creating Werewolf C.

Now, knowing full and well that the only way to lift the curse is to kill the werewolf what bit you, you track down Werewolf A and give him the ol’ silver shiv to the heart. Thus, your curse is lifted.

What about Werewolf C? You’re not a werewolf anymore, sure, but you certainly were when you bit him/her, so does Werewolf C retain his/her curse until he/she kills you?

And let’s say Werewolf C tracks you down, attacks you, but you manage to get away before they kill you. Are you then Werewolf D? And if so, and you kill Werewolf C, will your newfound curse be lifted or have you just found yourself in a never ending cycle (ha) of lycanthropy?

These are the things I ask myself when I’m alone, you guys. This is what goes through my head.

Published by Rob Kaas

Biographical information? I was born 37 years ago. I've lived a little here and there since then. I do not look forward to death. Biographical enough for you?

One thought on “Doomed To Forever Shop At Wal-Mart. Also, The Whole Blood Thing.

  1. Are these really all the options? :/ I was hoping to pick something too, but I wouldn’t really like any of these. I mean, yes, the vampires sound most acceptable, but my issue really is the sunlight. I love the sun, and I love light. Frankly, I think I would even get over the blood thing I guess (although it’s not kosher!), but not the sunlight…
    And werewolf really does not sound attractive in a lady form. :/

    Any other ideas then?

Leave a Reply to essy Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: