Hello. If you’re reading this post, chances are you’ve read many of my other hilarious and insightful blog posts. If you haven’t, then you should, as they are often both hilarious and insightful (Disclaimer: I am neither hilarious nor insightful).
I’d like to take this oppertunity to talk to you about a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I’m talking, of course, about BadSequels.Com.
But Rob, what IS BadSequels.Com? you ask.
Well, let me tell you.
It’s not a cure for the common cold. It’s not the next Justin Bieber. It’s not even a cheese grater. You know what it is? It’s BadSequels.Com.
But Rob, that doesn’t explain anything. Why are you being so aloof about answering the question?
First of all, how DARE you call me aloof. Do I love saying aloof? Of course I do, I’m only human. Say aloof, just once, out loud. Go ahead. Isn’t that fun? Say it again. Aloof. However, you are quite callous for calling me aloof, no matter how fun saying aloof may be. And another thing, I don’t even know who you are! Yet you address me by my first name, as though we’re old chums who may or may not have killed a guy and buried him in a quarry that one time (don’t worry Sal, I didn’t use your name. Oops).
I’m not calling you Mr. Kaas. I think that’s too creepy and weird.
Maybe I think your face is too creepy and weird.
That was uncalled for.
You’re right. Look, I’m sorry. Let me just tell you what BadSequels.Com is, okay?
BadSequels.Com is a website. About bad sequels. Look, I didn’t name the site. If it were my site, it would be called Sequelzillas.Com or AttackOfTheSequels.Com or something stupid like that. The truth is, it’s an awesome site and it’s the brainchild of Chris Hayner, who is also awesome in many ways.
I’m going to give you five very sound reasons that you should go visit BadSequels.Com:
1: It’s an awesome site run by an awesome dude, did you not read what I just wrote above? WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO READ ANY OF THIS?
2: Every single one of us have forced ourselves to sit through the second part of a film franchise that never should have been made into a franchise in the first place. Some of us, whether we would care to admit it or not, enjoy said sequels. However, how do you tell which sequels are so bad they’re funny and which are so bad they make you want to run through the streets, naked and confused, until the police finally taze you and you’re brought up on public indecency charges?
Well, that’s what this site is for. Sit back and let the fine folks of BadSequels.Com do the hard work for you. We’ll sit through horrible number twos (double meaning, there) and even the inevitably worse number threes, all so you don’t have to!
3: I have written a few reviews for them myself! Self promotion at its finest! Not to mention there are people who write reviews for the site who are even funnier than me! I know, hard to imagine, but it’s a fact. Plus, even if you do enjoy my shitty reviews, you’re in luck because I have even more lined up. Just waiting to be written.
4: Everyone who visits BadSequels.Com gets a free puppy (Disclaimer: No one gets a free puppy)
5: By supporting the site, you are supporting the horrible sequels all over the world. For the price of a free cup of coffee, you too can help bad sequels such as Cruel Intentions 2 or Superman III find their way into the hearts of people who will love them. Well, maybe not love them. Not many people will even like these movies, really.
Okay, how about this. These movies will find their way into the hearts of people who are killing time before something better comes along and they’re looking to be mindlessly entertained by something really, really bad. Does that work? I think that works.
Anyway, there you go. Five reasons (kind of) to visit BadSequels.Com.
You guess? Are you still mad about earlier?
Jesus, that was almost half a page ago! Fine. I’m sorry. Is that better?
Then you’ll visit BadSequels.Com?
Wow. I’m going to need more of a commitment from a faceless voice from the void. I mean, where is this relationship even going?
Look, while I figure this out, the rest of you should go check out the site. Please. And comment on things and if you like certain reviews or, hell, even the whole site in general, please spread the word on Facebook and Twitter.
Together, we can make a brighter future for terrible, terrible sequels. Join me?